Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Things I've Learned About Men

I'm not a self proclaimed expert by any means, but these are some of the things I've learned about men, from living with my man since 1999.

1. Don't get mad at him when he buys you a toaster oven for Christmas. He bought it because you've been bitching about the broken one for the past two months, and he believed the toaster oven was a thoughtful gift.

2. If you want something specific, tell him where to get it and the size and color you want. Even better, find it online, set up a shopping cart and tell him to push the "Purchase Now" button.

3. He will have a favorite shirt. It might date back to high school. Do not mock this shirt. It will make him feel bad.

4. The cat will always be YOUR cat. Even if he calls the cat his "Furry Buddy" and carries him around on his shoulder.

5. He will probably have ridiculous superstitions and rituals regarding watching "his" sports team.

6. He won't notice that the bathroom mirror is covered with spots and streaks, but his truck will be spotless.

7. Speaking of the truck, the children won't be allowed to eat or drink anything inside it, but will be fed Doritos and orange Fanta in the minivan, because it doesn't matter if the van gets stains.

8. He will throw the child in the air and catch her. This will terrify you. Just look away. 99% of the time, he'll catch her.

9. Fruit is not a normal part of his diet.

1 comment:

  1. Did you write 4, 6, and 7 while secretly observing my house?