So You Want To Get A Job?

The company I work for frequently gets walk-ins who are looking for a job. With these people in mind, I have put together a helpful list of items/pitfalls to avoid that potential job applicants might find useful.

1. Be sober. Don't come looking for a job application when you are drunk or high. Especially if you come in at 8 in the morning. If you can't be 100% sober, at least don't use whiskey as a mouth wash. If I feel like I'm getting a contact high from the fumes emanating from your body, your application will be shredded as soon as you leave the office.
2. Wear shoes. Now, I know you CAN wear bedroom slippers outside of your home when they have some sort of substantial soles, but it doesn't mean you should. 
3. Know what the company does. For example, I work for a landscape company. We don't have any job openings for waiters.
4. Don't bring your Mom in to fill out your application. If you can't put your name and phone number on a piece of paper without Mom's help, we won't be trusting you with big pieces of machinery with sharp blades.
5. (Maybe 4a?) Mom is not your best choice for a reference. But, surprisingly, your Probation Officer is a good choice.
6. Don't complain about how long it took you to get to the office. You'll be starting and ending each work day at this office, so if it bothers you so much, find someplace closer to your house to apply.
7. Don't complain about how hot you got just walking down the street. This is a labor intensive job, done OUTSIDE. You don't like the heat, move to another state. 
8. If you must bring your children along to pick up an application, at least be in control of them. Don't let them wander around the office unsupervised or let them trash the bathroom. 
9. You might think your hat with a pot leaf on it is a good look. It's not.
10. Don't have a phone argument while you're sitting in the waiting area. Calling someone on the phone a "crazy bitch" and yelling other obscenities at her isn't giving us the best opinion of you. 

This list shouldn't be considered the be all, end all of all How To Get A Job blogs, but I'd like to think it's been helpful in just a little way. 

Is There An Emoticon for Slightly Homicidal?

I had a quick trip this weekend to Massachusetts. Left on Thursday night, came home to Phoenix on Sunday night. After yesterday's flight I was feeling slightly homicidal. I had to go into the airport an hour early, because my aunt's flight was an hour before mine, and it wouldn't be fair to my parents to make them do the Logan drive twice. That wasn't so bad- hung out at Boston Beer Works, and watched the hockey game.

Then, I get on the plane. I'm next to this Alzheimer's patient and her caregiver. The patient is freaking out about something, and proceeded to have loud verbal outbursts and panic attacks the entire flight. Honestly, it was really bad. And, this was their return trip home to Phoenix. This woman was in no shape to be flying, and whoever ok'd the flight in the first place screwed up. Noise cancelling headphones can only do so much.

Behind me was a very tall man. I couldn't put my seat back, because of his legs. No big deal. He asked me nicely, I complied. However, that didn't stop him from digging his knees into the back of my seat every 15-20 minutes during the last two hours of the flight. Somewhere over Colorado I turned around to him and called him out on it. Then when he wouldn't stop, I got passive aggressive and pushed back against him whenever he moved his knees. We're probably both bruised this morning, and I know that had I been a man and a foot taller, he probably would have punched me outside of the airport. As it was he called me a bitch and I told him to fuck off at the luggage carousel.

Don't get me wrong, I was happy I was able to get back for the weekend, but damn, I'm sore and tired this morning!

Kid's Writing Prompt

My kindergartener's teacher does a daily writing prompt with them, just to have them get in the habit of writing sentences. I got the April booklet home yesterday, and I was looking at them with my daughter. My favorite was "If I Won a Lot of Money." Avery's response was classic Avery:

If i wone alot of mony i wold bue a car. Becus mom is meen and wont bue me a car.
Translation: If I won a lot of money, I would buy a car. Because Mom is mean and won't buy me a car.

Avery is 5. We've not yet had the car discussion with her. I don't know where her response came from. I clarified with her that she meant a car to drive, not a play car. So, she still has 11 years before that happens. My husband and I died laughing at this one. The logic and scheming of this child is frightening. She will probably rule the world one day.

Birthday Party Goodie Bags

Dear Readers-
Last weekend, I made a shocking and momentous decision. I refused to spend an ungodly amount of money on goodie bags for my daughter's 10th birthday. Now, I know what you're thinking "But how did you manage that? Did you not care what the **other** parents will say about you? Do you want your daughter's friends to think you are a cheapskate?" And, the truth is- everyone can go fuck off.

The birthday party itself put us back about $250. But it was $250 well spent. My three kids and a dozen of my daughter's friends went bowling. Two hours of unlimited bowling, pizza, soda and a cake. The best part was NO ONE CAME TO MY HOUSE. Yup, I didn't have to clean a thing. And, there was a definite start and end time, so I wasn't stuck with extra kids for extra hours. On top of that, built in activity! So I didn't have to plan anything. Greatest birthday party ever.

Then, the gift bags. I don't know about you, but extravagant goodie bags seem to be the norm out here. Probably $5-$10 per kid, per bag. That's ridiculous. And, my kids (and probably yours) do not need piles of candy and crappy plastic toys. Toys that break on the way home, or are abandoned in the family room two minutes after they get home, and I have to throw them away without the kid seeing or much drama ensues. So, I bucked the trend. The birthday package included bowling pin shaped goodie bags. I got some, not much, candy on clearance at Walmart. Gave each kid 6 pieces of snack size candies- Milky Way, Butterfinger and Take5- and that was IT. I'm done with extravagant goodie bags. Done with them.

Please parents, join me in the goodie bag revolution! No more crappy plastic toys! No more pounds of candy!

Stand Strong!
New England Girl

Google Reader- So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish

Apparently, Google Reader is shutting down in July 2013. This makes me very sadface. But, in the mean time, it will give me a chance to check out some of the RSS readers out there. I'm starting with Bloglovin. Mostly because it's trending on Twitter today, and I am nothing if not a follower.

<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/5174963/?claim=xgw6bwwm8ak">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

Why I'm Happy Today- February 12th Edition

I weighed myself on Sunday, and since New Years, I'm down 9 lbs. Now, that doesn't seems like a lot, but it's actually the first time that hasn't involved child birth, that I've managed to lose more than 1 or 2 lbs. Not only that, but I put on a pair of size 14 jeans this weekend- first time in a LONG time.

What I'm Doing Right- eating more vegetables, eating less carbs. Going for walks or jogs 2-3 times a week- averaging 16 minute miles. Drinking lots of water. Bringing lunch from home to the office helps too. No drive through foods.

What I Need to Improve- I still crave carbs, especially in the mornings. Oatmeal is better than a bagel, but not much. I need to eat more protein in the morning, because in the long run, it's more filling. I need to be more active. 3 miles 2 or 3 times a week is great, but it should be more like 3 miles 4-5 times a week. I'd like to get my mile time down to 10 minutes by the end of April.

Getting to Know You

Do you have any strange phobias? Not phobias as much as PTSD. I found way too many rotten milk sippy cups over the years, and I will not touch any cup or glass that has had milk left in it for more than a few hours. The kids poured it, they can clean it.
 
Do you sleep with or without clothes on? Usually undies and socks (I have really cold feet ALL THE TIME).

If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? Yard work or swimming in the summer 

Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? 311. My husband and I have seen them live over 20 times since 1995.

Do you believe in karma? Yes. I do believe in karma. It might be subtle karma, but eventually, people get what they deserve.

Who is your celebrity crush? I have a thing for Jeremy Piven. And Evan Handler. And, if sports people count as celebrities, I love Jacoby Ellsbury- he plays for the Red Sox.

What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? Hate: The noises that pigeons make. Seriously, our neighbors have a pigeon problem, and I've been woken up by the sound of vigorous pigeon sex more times than I'd care to remember. 
Love: Ocean waves, my youngest daughter's laugh (she still has a full on baby belly laugh, even at age 5, it's adorable).

Choose: East Coast or West Coast? Hard to say. I love both coasts (and yet, I live in the Arizona desert). I love the dramatic Pacific Northwest. I love the coastal California towns. I love New England. I love the south eastern coastal towns. But not Florida. I hate Florida.

What was the last book you read? I'm quickly working my way through Rhys Bowen's Her Royal Spyness mystery series. I finished book #3 Royal Flush last night, and I started Royal Blood last night. It's a mystery series set in England/Scotland in the 1930's. Strong female lead. Sketchy historical correctness. But a joy to read.
 

Do you like the smell of gasoline? Nope.

Do you have any nicknames? A few of my friends from high school call me KB.

What was the last movie you saw? At the movie theater, we saw This is 40. It was uncomfortably great- as in the main story was too similar to my marriage for comfort. At home- We watched something stupid....crap....(checks Netflix)...Trouble With The Curve. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't memorable.

What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? I've lucked out. I got a concussion in a car accident. Broke a finger skiing. Broke another finger falling into a pool at a swim meet. But those are all minor.

What’s the last thing you purchased? I bought a bagel and a diet coke for breakfast. Friday is my splurge day. The one day a week I don't eat oatmeal for breakfast. 

 
Can you touch your nose with your tongue? No. However, my Mom can.

Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? My earbuds for my computer are pink.

What’s your favorite animal? Rugby players.

What were you doing last night at 12 AM? Sleeping. The husband and I are training for a 5k. We did our run last night at 9 PM. I came home and passed out.

What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? The Beatles Ob La Di Ob La Da, Cecilia by Simon and Garfunkel

What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? Deciding to buy the extra ticket to see the Blues Travelers play on October 13, 1995. If I hadn't done that, I'd have never met my husband. I just realized that it was a Friday that 13th that has changed my life dramatically.

What’s the last song you listened to? Die Young Ke$ha (guilty pleasure, I love to turn this song way up and sing along)

What is your current desktop picture? A map of NYC and Boston.New York- Because we want you to know where you are and where you are going. Boston- Because fuck you. Little bit of hometown pride (I'm from just south of Boston)

You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? Flying

You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? Easter 1999. I'd like to be able to really say goodbye to my Grandfather. He died a few weeks later, unexpectedly.

You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Barcelona, Spain. With the husband, without the kids. It's a destination on our bucket list. 

Link in the comments if you play along!